Things a man should know - lumberjack

30+ Things a Man Should Know—An ongoing list

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Things a Man Should Know

Now, there are a lot of things a man ought to know- Facts and how-tos as well as goods, betters, and bests. You can let me know if you think I left something important off the list. Let this serve as a measuring stick to show you how well you’re doing as a man. Ain’t nothin’ that can’t be learned if you didn’t know it before. Enjoy.

A man should know…

  • How to write his name in the snow. By age 30, he ought to be able to write it legibly with at least 2 yellow underlines. (Prerequisite: knowing how to write his name)
  • How many minutes to plan for waiting on a wife who says she’s “almost ready” (Average is about 18 minutes across all female types)
  • The difference between “want it”, “need it”, and “she wants it”. (Hint: At least 2 of those mean you’re buyin’)
  • How to field dress an elk
  • How to saddle a horse
  • You should never dry-fire a weapon (Prerequisite: Knowing what it means to dry-fire a weapon)
  • As our brother Kenny Rogers taught us- you don’t gotta fight to be a man. However, sometimes you gotta fight when you’re a man.
  • How to communicate his desired haircut to his barber in 2 sentences or less.
  • Bar soap only in the shower. Anything else kills testosterone.
  • How to take a dump in the woods using a fallen tree.
  • Gluten is a conspiracy created by the government.
  • How to make a dog sit, point, and heal. “Rolling over” is flashy nonsense.
  • Anyone who says they aren’t “a dog person” cannot be trusted. That’s man’s best friend, for cryin’ out loud!
  • The sound of a tree falling in the woods. It always makes a sound, and what a beautiful sound it is.
  • There is no such thing as “flannel season”. Every day is for flannel.
  • The difference between work jeans, church jeans, and play jeans. *Note* “Skinny” jeans are not in any of these categories, and are not, in fact, jeans.
  • How to tell the time using just the sun and your own hands.
  • When she asks if she looks fat, there is no correct answer. Don’t think you’re smarter than the rest of us- just accept that it’s a no-win situation. It happens to us all from time to time. You’ll recover eventually, with time.
  • The difference between a bullet, a round, and a cartridge.
  • The toilet is the only acceptable place to read your wife’s magazines. And that’s ONLY if you’re still waiting for next month’s Field & Stream to arrive.
  • If you’re a father: All young men interested in your female offspring must fear you. If they do not fear you, they’re no good for your daughter.
  • If you’re a young fella: It’s ok to be afraid of her dad. He’ll like you better that way. Respect comes later.
  • How to tie a bowline knot
  • How to start a fire
  • How to fell a tree
  • The 3 Paul’s: Revere, Bunyan and the apostle
  • The birds and the bees- Birds are great for cheap eggs, and the bees make a ton of honey. Great resources to be familiar with.
  • How to exercise without taking your shirt off. Psh.
  • How to smoke a rack of ribs
  • You always open the door for the ladies
  • A man’s word is sacred. A handshake is binding before God.
  • It doesn’t matter how many “reps” you can do, just how many logs you can stack. Reps don’t keep the house warm.
  • If your girlfriend pays for your date, you’re the girlfriend.
  • Shorts are for playin’ ball, and for playin’ ball only.
  • Chick-fil-a is, in fact, the Lord’s establishment.
  • The only folks ‘deservin a tip are your barber, your butcher (if you ain’t doing that yourself), and the babysitter.

More to come…

Keep at it, men.

– Heber, The Hatchet Man