Things a Man Should Know
Now, there are a lot of things a man ought to know- Facts and how-tos as well as goods, betters, and bests. You can let me know if you think I left something important off the list. Let this serve as a measuring stick to show you how well you’re doing as a man. Ain’t nothin’ that can’t be learned if you didn’t know it before. Enjoy.
A man should know…
- How to write his name in the snow. By age 30, he ought to be able to write it legibly with at least 2 underlines. (Prerequisite: knowing how to write his name)
- How many minutes to plan for waiting on a wife who says she’s “almost ready” (Average is about 18 min across all types)
- The difference between “want it”, “need it”, and “she wants it”. (Hint: At least 2 of those mean you’re buyin’)
- How to field dress an elk
- How to saddle a horse
- You should never dry-fire a weapon (Prerequisite: Knowing what it means to dry-fire a weapon)
- As our brother Kenny Rogers taught us- you don’t gotta fight to be a man. However, sometimes you gotta fight when you’re a man.
- How to communicate his desired haircut to his barber in 2 sentences or less.
- Bar soap only in the shower. Anything else kills testosterone.
- How to take a dump in the woods using a fallen tree.
- That gluten is a conspiracy created by the government.
- How to make a dog sit, point, and heal. Rolling over is flashy nonsense.
- That anyone who says they aren’t “a dog person” cannot be trusted. That’s man’s best friend, for cryin’ out loud!
- The sound of a tree falling in the woods. It always makes a sound, and what a beautiful sound it is.
- There is no such thing as “flannel season”. Every day is for flannel.
- The difference between work jeans, church jeans, and play jeans. *Note* “Skinny” jeans are not in any of these categories, and are not, in fact, jeans.
- How to tell the time using the sun and your hands.
- That when she asks if she looks fat, there is no correct answer. Don’t think you’re smarter than the rest of us- just accept that it’s a no-win situation. It happens to us all from time to time. You’ll recover eventually.
- The difference between a bullet, a round, and a cartridge.
- That the toilet is the only acceptable place to read your wife’s magazines. And that’s ONLY if you’re still waiting for next month’s Field & Stream to arrive.
- If you’re a father: All young men interested in your female offspring must fear you. If they do not fear you, they’re no good for your daughter.
- If you’re a young fella: It’s ok to be afraid of her dad. He’ll like you better that way. Respect comes later.
- How to tie a bowline knot
- How to start a fire
- How to fell a tree
- The 3 Paul’s: Revere, Bunyan and the apostle
- The birds and the bees- Birds are great for cheap eggs, and the bees make a ton of honey. Great resources to be familiar with.
- How to exercise without taking your shirt off. Psh.
- How to smoke a rack of ribs
- That you always open the door for the ladies
- That a man’s word is sacred. A handshake is binding before God.
- That it doesn’t matter how many “reps” you can do, just how many logs you can stack. Reps don’t keep the house warm.
- That if your girlfriend pays for your date, you’re the girlfriend.
- Shorts are for playin’ ball, and for playin’ ball only.
- Chick-fil-a is, in fact, the Lord’s establishment.
- The only folks ‘deservin a tip are your barber, your butcher (if you ain’t doing it yourself), and the babysitter.
More to come…
– Heber, The Hatchet Man